Educationsense Article - Education at the child's pace, part 2: socialisation
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When people ask about home education, one of the first questions is to do
with socialisation. Because children who go to school are surrounded by
lots of children, it seems to be assumed by default that a child who does not go
to school will not easily learn to make friends.
Although this seems to be the default assumption, I can see no evidence to support it. Quite the opposite, in fact.
When I observe my pre-school children individually making friends, I note that they seem to have two preferred methods: the first involves instigating an activity and waiting for someone to join in; the other method requires them to wait at the sidelines to observe the group at play, often circling the perimeter of activity, and then gradually moving themselves forward until they see an opportunity to join in. I see this same pattern being used by most of their peers, and I have also noted it being used by adults in some situations. I think it is natural for people to continue to use an approach that seems to work. As far as my girls are concerned, I am sure they would evolve their methods into something more effective if they reached a point where their current strategies no longer produced the desired results.
In my opinion, the biggest challenge of socialisation is not in forming a new relationship, but in maintaining a long term one, so the ability to adapt and try out new approaches is invaluable. We also need to understand that not all relationships last forever, and it is natural for people to drift apart. As adults go through their lives, they find different interests, different projects to work on, and different people to become acquainted with. The same is naturally true for children, but by putting them into the school environment, we are asking them to do something most of us would not volunteer to do ourselves: that is to commit to a project for around ten years. Schoolchildren see the same people every weekday, just as if they had gone to work. They cannot leave the 'employment', however, without the support of their parents. In the real world, most adults in a situation where they cannot get along with their colleagues will take reasonable steps to create a more productive relationship, and leave if it does not work out. Unfortunately, many schoolchildren do not have this option, and so either become victims of bullying, or become bullies themselves.
Another point about human beings is that we don't tend to have very many close friends at any one time, even if we have many acquaintances. We will naturally select the people we feel will offer what we need on an emotional, or even practical, level, regardless of the number of people we know. Some of us prefer to have five close friends, some prefer to have one, and so on. Thus, the number of people we have access to, does not affect the number of close friends we prefer to have - this is determined by other factors.
If a child is comfortable in real world social situations before s/he goes to school, it would seem that these skills are naturally evolving without any need for stimulation in an artificial environment. Conversely, if a child is not comfortable talking to others, perhaps it would be more constructive to gently nurture that person without throwing him/her into the 'deep end'? Adults with similar problems usually prefer one-to-one counselling.
The other major point to make is to do with age. If you watch children interacting in a school playground, you will most likely see that they rarely talk to children outside of their own year group, unless there is another sibling involved. When I meet people for the first time, I do not ask for their age before I decide whether or not we could become friends! The problem of children playing within their own year groups is also highlighted at college and university level when mature students often find it difficult to socialise with younger students who do not seem to be able to identify with them.
Segregating people according to age can also have lasting effects in society. Examples of these include: the problems of older citizens in the community feeling forgotten by the younger generations; work colleagues unable to take breaks together because they are too old or too young to 'fit into' the social groups; lack of respect shown to younger customers by middle-aged shop assistants, and vice versa; and so on. Sadly, we can all identify with these situations.
So, how can home education help? Home education per se cannot cure all the problems in society and it cannot guarantee that every child will become a well-rounded individual who can easily make friends. Of all the forms of learning, home education is, however, most likely to offer a child an environment conducive to providing the very best results for that person, but it is up to the whole family to put in the time and effort. This is the commitment we made as parents when each of our children were born, and so we should well equip ourselves to follow through on that promise, rather than to rely on schools to produce the desired effects.
Just as pre-school children and adults alike decide when, where and how they want to interact with others, regardless of their age and the environment where they meet, older children should be given the same opportunities. When parents send their children to school, they think they are offering them the greatest opportunity of all, but as I have shown, this long-term, unnatural environment could be more likely to cause harm to their interpersonal skills.
I have observed many home educated children in different social situations, and those who never attended school are usually very comfortable talking to adults as well as children. The adults find them stimulating to talk to, and are usually impressed by the way that the children will have formed their own opinions on most subjects. In addition, these children are normally able to cope with a reasonable degree of negativity in a relationship without intervention by an adult and without becoming aggressive. Children who went to school and later come into home education are also able to do this, but the natural ease takes a while to return - the time is different for every child, depending on their experiences, and issues to do with school relationships have to be addressed first.
I believe there is a lot that the government and school administrators can learn from home education in practice, particularly with reference to socialisation. To allow a schooled child as much social freedom as a home educated child would be unworkable in the present situation, and this is one of the major reasons why I feel that every child would benefit from being educated at home.
Although this seems to be the default assumption, I can see no evidence to support it. Quite the opposite, in fact.
When I observe my pre-school children individually making friends, I note that they seem to have two preferred methods: the first involves instigating an activity and waiting for someone to join in; the other method requires them to wait at the sidelines to observe the group at play, often circling the perimeter of activity, and then gradually moving themselves forward until they see an opportunity to join in. I see this same pattern being used by most of their peers, and I have also noted it being used by adults in some situations. I think it is natural for people to continue to use an approach that seems to work. As far as my girls are concerned, I am sure they would evolve their methods into something more effective if they reached a point where their current strategies no longer produced the desired results.
In my opinion, the biggest challenge of socialisation is not in forming a new relationship, but in maintaining a long term one, so the ability to adapt and try out new approaches is invaluable. We also need to understand that not all relationships last forever, and it is natural for people to drift apart. As adults go through their lives, they find different interests, different projects to work on, and different people to become acquainted with. The same is naturally true for children, but by putting them into the school environment, we are asking them to do something most of us would not volunteer to do ourselves: that is to commit to a project for around ten years. Schoolchildren see the same people every weekday, just as if they had gone to work. They cannot leave the 'employment', however, without the support of their parents. In the real world, most adults in a situation where they cannot get along with their colleagues will take reasonable steps to create a more productive relationship, and leave if it does not work out. Unfortunately, many schoolchildren do not have this option, and so either become victims of bullying, or become bullies themselves.
Another point about human beings is that we don't tend to have very many close friends at any one time, even if we have many acquaintances. We will naturally select the people we feel will offer what we need on an emotional, or even practical, level, regardless of the number of people we know. Some of us prefer to have five close friends, some prefer to have one, and so on. Thus, the number of people we have access to, does not affect the number of close friends we prefer to have - this is determined by other factors.
If a child is comfortable in real world social situations before s/he goes to school, it would seem that these skills are naturally evolving without any need for stimulation in an artificial environment. Conversely, if a child is not comfortable talking to others, perhaps it would be more constructive to gently nurture that person without throwing him/her into the 'deep end'? Adults with similar problems usually prefer one-to-one counselling.
The other major point to make is to do with age. If you watch children interacting in a school playground, you will most likely see that they rarely talk to children outside of their own year group, unless there is another sibling involved. When I meet people for the first time, I do not ask for their age before I decide whether or not we could become friends! The problem of children playing within their own year groups is also highlighted at college and university level when mature students often find it difficult to socialise with younger students who do not seem to be able to identify with them.
Segregating people according to age can also have lasting effects in society. Examples of these include: the problems of older citizens in the community feeling forgotten by the younger generations; work colleagues unable to take breaks together because they are too old or too young to 'fit into' the social groups; lack of respect shown to younger customers by middle-aged shop assistants, and vice versa; and so on. Sadly, we can all identify with these situations.
So, how can home education help? Home education per se cannot cure all the problems in society and it cannot guarantee that every child will become a well-rounded individual who can easily make friends. Of all the forms of learning, home education is, however, most likely to offer a child an environment conducive to providing the very best results for that person, but it is up to the whole family to put in the time and effort. This is the commitment we made as parents when each of our children were born, and so we should well equip ourselves to follow through on that promise, rather than to rely on schools to produce the desired effects.
Just as pre-school children and adults alike decide when, where and how they want to interact with others, regardless of their age and the environment where they meet, older children should be given the same opportunities. When parents send their children to school, they think they are offering them the greatest opportunity of all, but as I have shown, this long-term, unnatural environment could be more likely to cause harm to their interpersonal skills.
I have observed many home educated children in different social situations, and those who never attended school are usually very comfortable talking to adults as well as children. The adults find them stimulating to talk to, and are usually impressed by the way that the children will have formed their own opinions on most subjects. In addition, these children are normally able to cope with a reasonable degree of negativity in a relationship without intervention by an adult and without becoming aggressive. Children who went to school and later come into home education are also able to do this, but the natural ease takes a while to return - the time is different for every child, depending on their experiences, and issues to do with school relationships have to be addressed first.
I believe there is a lot that the government and school administrators can learn from home education in practice, particularly with reference to socialisation. To allow a schooled child as much social freedom as a home educated child would be unworkable in the present situation, and this is one of the major reasons why I feel that every child would benefit from being educated at home.
Wendy Bance, September 2002
